I am so in love with her. It hurts me. 

 Last night I comfort ate and cried when I thought of her, just because she ignored me at youth club when I dressed up especially. When she held the hand of our other friend, I felt torn. 

 I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. 

When I finally fell asleep I had two dreams, both of which had aspects in them which have occurred before. Both of which involved kissing her. And her liking it. 

 Damn. 

I hate how lonely I get, knowing that she will never love me, knowing that no one loves me in that way. And no one will, at least until I find a gay club or something. Even then, what if I only find butch fatties who only turned gay because they were treated badly by guys.

 

Because I've been comfort eating, and hormonal, I have gained so much weight and I just feel terrible and ugly and I hate myself so much. 

I don't want to eat because I want control, but whenever I'm upset I lose control. 

I love her so much and I don't even know why. Because she's a selfish bitch who will never love me.