its unreal how much i just wished she loved me.
But she doesn't even  like my gender.
So shucks.

Fangirling.

Yep im obsessed with a lot of tv shows and books.
Today im talking doctor who.
angels take manhatten. my feels. no. go away.
Amy and rory :'( I love you, don't leave me.
River-you're hot and i love you

Trevorspace

So recently I joined Trevorspace, one of the only social networks which is centered around gay, bi sexual and transgender people.
 Omg its made me so happy its unreal. There are hundreds, maybe a thousand, people on there who are so kind and sweet. I've met so many lovely girls who I may or may not have crushes on ;)
 Also I think I have a girlfriend. Me and this girl called Kiana talked ALL of last night and it was adorable and amazing and this morning she asked me out :O
 So....I said yes.
This is amazing and scary and weird. Wow. Yeah. Over and out.

The Doctor on women

• Kazran: When girls are crying, are you supposed to talk to them?
• The Doctor: I’ve absolutely no idea.
• *LATER ON*
• Kazran: I've never kissed anyone before. What do I do?
• The Doctor: Well. Try and be all nervous and rubbish and a bit shaky.
• Kazran: Why?
• The Doctor: Because you're going to be like that anyway. Might as well make it part of the plan and then it'll feel on purpose. Off you go then.
• Kazran: Now? I kiss her now?
• The Doctor: Kazran, trust me. It's this or go into your room and design a new kind of screwdriver. Don't make my mistakes. Now! Go

Erg Doctor Who is the best. I take my life lessons from it. ;)

I am so in love with her. It hurts me. 

 Last night I comfort ate and cried when I thought of her, just because she ignored me at youth club when I dressed up especially. When she held the hand of our other friend, I felt torn. 

 I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. 

When I finally fell asleep I had two dreams, both of which had aspects in them which have occurred before. Both of which involved kissing her. And her liking it. 

 Damn. 

I hate how lonely I get, knowing that she will never love me, knowing that no one loves me in that way. And no one will, at least until I find a gay club or something. Even then, what if I only find butch fatties who only turned gay because they were treated badly by guys.

 

Because I've been comfort eating, and hormonal, I have gained so much weight and I just feel terrible and ugly and I hate myself so much. 

I don't want to eat because I want control, but whenever I'm upset I lose control. 

I love her so much and I don't even know why. Because she's a selfish bitch who will never love me. 

Its strange how one can go from so depressed to so happy from a hug, or a look, or a smile.  

The girl I like isn't perfect, she's far from it. But most of the time, she makes me happy. 

 That being said, she makes me want to cry a lot of the time too. Mainly because no matter how much I hope and pray for it to be true, I know she doesn't love me back. I know she will never love me the way I love her, because she likes boys. No matter how much I think she likes me, with all the hugs, the "love you"'s, the hand holding, the "i miss you"'s, even the times when its just us and she looks at me with those beautiful grey eyes and I swear we both know we want something to happen, I know she doesn't want me.

 :'(  

But I don't want to talk about refraining from the constant urge to kiss her, or about how I die inside when she hugs a boy, or even holds hands with anyone else, I want to talk about the times when she makes me happy. For example today. 

 I don't have any lessons with her today, I didn't yesterday either so, other than a cute conversation online last night, I hadn't communicated with her for about 24 hours. Which sucked so badly, for both of us. So when we finally saw each other again it was wonderful. How we hugged. She's gives amazing hugs.  

You're beautiful

You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "Not bad. They're okay." And then you get to know them and... and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.


This is my favourite quote in the world. Well, one of my favourite featured on doctor who ;) 
Its just so real and true and shows what love is. 
Damn I love you.

You don't have to be alone to be lonely

Recently I have felt so lonely. Even when I'm in a crowd of people. I don't think loneliness is about the amount of people you are with, rather the amount of love you have in your life.
 I'm not saying I'm without any love, that would be a lie. I am extremely lucky to have two loving parents, even if sometimes we don't like each other we will always love each other.
 But sometimes I just feel worthless and like no body actually cares about me.

Celebrity crushes

I know its kind of shallow and silly to be in love with someone who doesn't know I exist and is many many years out from mine, and many many leagues out of my depth, but that doesn't bother me. I think its healthy to appreciate what is attractive.
  To be perfectly honest, I don't fancy very many male celebrities, and the one's I do, most people wouldn't share my infatuation with them. I like older men, often weird looking older men. Not old men though, definitely not old men. So here's a list:

• Benedict Cumberbatch-Sherlock Holmes. He's strange looking but has an incredibly sexy posh English accent. Also Sherlock Holmes has to be one of the most attractive characters in the world. He's mysterious, abnormally intelligent and very snheaky. 
• Matt Smith-The Doctor. Yes, I fancy the doctor. Of course I do. He looks like an alien, he talks like an alien, he acts like an alien. Perfect. 
• Ian Harding-Ezra Fitz. Plays the hottest teacher ever. Has the cutest american accent I think I have ever heard. He has a very sexy back. 

Now kids, here is where it gets complicated. I like women. A lot. Like I don't know what the hell my sexuality is, it changes from day to day, but I know I think many women are sexy. Here is my list of the sassiest women in Television and Film.

• Karen Gillan-Amy pond. Urmmm those legs. That hair. Extremely bad ass and just wonderful. Also her Scottish accent is adorable. 
• Alex Kingston-Yes she is a little bit older but I don't even care. She is really, really sexy. Her voice. Her body. Gahhh. 
• Scarlet Johanssen- She is yummy and is a great actress. 
• Natalie Portman-She completely seduces me in everything I see her in. 
• Troian Bellisario-Spencer Hastings. Pretty little liars is just a mass of sex. Seriously, I would marry the whole of the cast. But Troian is my favourite. The character she plays is smart and seductive and she has the nicest voice and lips. 
• Zooey Dechanel-I just love her. 

Love, love me do, you know I love you

There are days, like this. When nothing really all that significant happens. But you need to tell someone.

 The people I fancy never fancy me back. The people who fancy me I have no interest in. Maybe that's just tough luck, the way things are. But I you have no idea how happy I will be one day, when I find someone who loves me just as much as I love them.
 There was this boy who I dated for around a month almost two long years ago. We shared a bit of this and a bit of that but it was nothing really. I know I definitely used to fancy him though. I used to fancy him a lot. I don't even know why, he was an absolute wanker to most people, we had nothing in common, and he so obviously fancied the most popular girl in our class. But still, I wanted to be with him so, so badly. More than anything for almost two years.
 Of course, I matured, I grew older and hopefully wiser, and I got over him. At least I thought I did. But recently feelings which have been hiding away somewhere deep inside me for so long have suddenly returned. Its almost random. Its not like anything has changed. But I want him. And sometimes, I catch him looking at me, or smiling at me, or absentmindedly touching my arm, and I feel that feeling I which always used to consume my every thought.
 But it isn't as strong of course, and I don't know why its happening. I think we have chemistry, it certainly feels like there is some kind of crazy spark between us. But I don't like him the way I used to.
 The point I'm trying to make is that I don't think you ever stop loving someone, not really. You may tell yourself its over, that you've moved on, but they'll always be a tiny part of you that wants to hold them.
 In future posts, I shall call him A, for Afro, because his hair has grown a lot since the first time I met him and surprisingly, outwards not down. He's not even a typical Afro guy. He's a  Caucasian blonde.
 Gahhh the way he was looking at me today....the way he kept looking at me. It was...exciting.
 I'm sure nothing with ever happen with him and to be honest, I'm not even sure I want it to, but it doesn't change anything. He makes me shiver.

Just another manic monday

Six o'clock already 
I was just in the middle of a dream 
I was kissin' Valentino 
By a crystal blue Italian stream 

Sometimes I wonder whether anyone in the entirety of the universe thinks in the same way I do. I really doubt it. There are people who say we are all the same, all human, flesh and blood. Then there are others who say that our differences define who were are. I don't want to be different or the same. 

 At school of course, although not as steep a gradient as it would be at a stereotypical american high school, there is a ranking, a class system. In this strange place to be popular, to be loved, you only need three qualities. You must be above averagely attractive, you must be mean to others because they are different from you, or just to create a laugh, and you must be sociable. When I say sociable, I mean you must be able to talk to all the popular people with confidence and you must be able to insult or approach anyone, for a joke which will wear off within half an hour. I am none of these things. Which is why I am not at the top of the school food chain. 

 I don't think I'm unpopular, I get on with quite a lot of my peers and I have a few nice groups of friends. My problem is that there is an image and a way you have to be if you have any chance of being accepted in teenage society. Which results in everyone being like everyone else, or at least, everyone aspiring to be like everyone else. 

 On the other hand, there are the unpopular crowd, the one's who don't try to copy everyone else, the people who are their own person. To be honest, I wish I was more like them. They may not be liked at school but they do what they like, they believe they're beautiful even if they're not the typical idea of "attractive", they believe they're cool, even if no one wants to be in their gang. 

 I am neither of these people. I'm that girl who doesn't know what to do with herself. 

  

Disney makes it seem so easy

I wish I was a Disney princess sometimes. Okay, not just some times. An awful lot of the time. I mean, they're so beautiful, smart, rich. They can talk to animals, sometimes animals even design clothes for them, and whatever trouble they face, they always fight back with perfect hair. But the main reason why I'm envious of these magical, fictional perfect people? They bag their prince charming so easily.
 Me on the other hand? Well, they're aren't many princes where I live that I know of, not even many friendly dwarves. Also I'm not entirely sure if I want a prince anymore. The truth is, despite being incredibly jealous of every single Disney princess, I didn't want to be them in the scenario featuring the infamOus 'true loves first kiss', I wanted to be the one kissing the princess.
 I remember when I was about 7 years old, I asked my mum why the princess always marred a royal boy she doesn't even know very well. I asked her why sleeping beauty couldn't just marry snow white? To me, it seemed the perfect solution. And far more comprehensible than a princess marrying a rich man she hardly knew was the idea of two friends, two princess friends, being together forever. My mother of course told me that it was the way things were. She told me when I was older I would understand. That girls marry boys because they love each other, and girls are just friends with each other.
 But now I'm almost 15, and I still don't quite understand. I hope we all get our happy ever after but what if y prince charming turns out to be a girl?
  Theres this girl. Obviously, why would I talk so much if there wasn't someone who it all related to? I want her to love me. To take me down the stairwell and lift me on to her white horse to ride into the sunset. To give me the kiss of life and then spend the rest of our lives together.
 But life, real life, is not a fairy tale. And she already has her prince.