She's practically my wife

I fail do understand how the things she does are actions "friends" would do. 

She hugs me tightly around the waist, and sometimes from behind. 

She seems to keep getting as close as she can to me.

She always holds my hand and stokes them as much as she can.

its unreal how much i just wished she loved me.
But she doesn't even  like my gender.
So shucks.

Fangirling.

Yep im obsessed with a lot of tv shows and books.
Today im talking doctor who.
angels take manhatten. my feels. no. go away.
Amy and rory :'( I love you, don't leave me.
River-you're hot and i love you

Trevorspace

So recently I joined Trevorspace, one of the only social networks which is centered around gay, bi sexual and transgender people.
 Omg its made me so happy its unreal. There are hundreds, maybe a thousand, people on there who are so kind and sweet. I've met so many lovely girls who I may or may not have crushes on ;)
 Also I think I have a girlfriend. Me and this girl called Kiana talked ALL of last night and it was adorable and amazing and this morning she asked me out :O
 So....I said yes.
This is amazing and scary and weird. Wow. Yeah. Over and out.

The Doctor on women

• Kazran: When girls are crying, are you supposed to talk to them?
• The Doctor: I’ve absolutely no idea.
• *LATER ON*
• Kazran: I've never kissed anyone before. What do I do?
• The Doctor: Well. Try and be all nervous and rubbish and a bit shaky.
• Kazran: Why?
• The Doctor: Because you're going to be like that anyway. Might as well make it part of the plan and then it'll feel on purpose. Off you go then.
• Kazran: Now? I kiss her now?
• The Doctor: Kazran, trust me. It's this or go into your room and design a new kind of screwdriver. Don't make my mistakes. Now! Go

Erg Doctor Who is the best. I take my life lessons from it. ;)

I am so in love with her. It hurts me. 

 Last night I comfort ate and cried when I thought of her, just because she ignored me at youth club when I dressed up especially. When she held the hand of our other friend, I felt torn. 

 I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. 

When I finally fell asleep I had two dreams, both of which had aspects in them which have occurred before. Both of which involved kissing her. And her liking it. 

 Damn. 

I hate how lonely I get, knowing that she will never love me, knowing that no one loves me in that way. And no one will, at least until I find a gay club or something. Even then, what if I only find butch fatties who only turned gay because they were treated badly by guys.

 

Because I've been comfort eating, and hormonal, I have gained so much weight and I just feel terrible and ugly and I hate myself so much. 

I don't want to eat because I want control, but whenever I'm upset I lose control. 

I love her so much and I don't even know why. Because she's a selfish bitch who will never love me. 

Its strange how one can go from so depressed to so happy from a hug, or a look, or a smile.  

The girl I like isn't perfect, she's far from it. But most of the time, she makes me happy. 

 That being said, she makes me want to cry a lot of the time too. Mainly because no matter how much I hope and pray for it to be true, I know she doesn't love me back. I know she will never love me the way I love her, because she likes boys. No matter how much I think she likes me, with all the hugs, the "love you"'s, the hand holding, the "i miss you"'s, even the times when its just us and she looks at me with those beautiful grey eyes and I swear we both know we want something to happen, I know she doesn't want me.

 :'(  

But I don't want to talk about refraining from the constant urge to kiss her, or about how I die inside when she hugs a boy, or even holds hands with anyone else, I want to talk about the times when she makes me happy. For example today. 

 I don't have any lessons with her today, I didn't yesterday either so, other than a cute conversation online last night, I hadn't communicated with her for about 24 hours. Which sucked so badly, for both of us. So when we finally saw each other again it was wonderful. How we hugged. She's gives amazing hugs.